Language of Love
by Reader4Lyfe
Summary: Bella is a well to do programmer with her own business but the secret she's hiding may destroy her only chance at happiness. Jasper is a well known tattoo artist who owns a number of shops. When he meets Bella, his world is flipped upside down but will his own secret tear them apart or bring them closer together? Jasper/Bella, OOC, some canon.
1. Chapter 1

Hiya, folks! Knock, knock! Anyone still with me? Well, if you are, thanks for hanging around. RL has been killing me the last 5 years, figuratively and literally, but if there's one thing I know; the writing community never fails to get you going. So here I am, back again. I'm determined to finish this and two other stories that will post soon. Originally, I was going to wait until next week when I finished my IT Bootcamp but I was itching to get back into things so you get it early! Yay! As of right now, a post will be every Tuesday but that could change so make sure to add me to your alerts to stay in the loop. Also, I've created a FB page! So join me there for teasers, discussions, naughtiness, and fun times. Search Reader4Lyfe and you'll find me. This story is close to me for many reasons, one being I'm a shy introvert who is slowly losing her hearing and teaching myself sign language. I can read lips but that was just something I picked up over the years. I've dealt with many forms of trauma over the years so some of this comes from personal experience. This story may have triggers and you will be warned but if it doesn't suit you, don't read it. Glad to have you on this road with me. It'll be a rocky one, but I promise, everyone gets a HEA.

Also, I did previously post this story but decided to take it down and revamp it some. You may recognize some old stuff but notice the new. Shout out to LyricalKris, manicalmuse, PearlyFox, and Christi Whitson for being my inspiration to get back to writing. These are some awesome ladies with awesome groups. Check out their fanfics and fb groups.

Anyways, enjoy, friends.

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**Prologue**

I knew that the minute I stepped inside that shop my life was going to change. Whether or not it was going to be a good or bad remains to be seen. One thing I did know was that if I didn't go in, well, I'd be stuck with this pain for the rest of my life, which is one lifetime too long.

_Pull yourself together, Bella, you can do this._

I straightened my shoulders and set my jaw. Looking up at the sign, I took a deep breath in then blew out and reached for the door.

Today was going to make me or break me.

I just hoped I made it because if I broke, I'm not sure I'd be able to put myself back together again.

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Yall ready for this? Find me on fb if you wanna talk.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey folks. Here you are. Find me on fb, Reader4Lyfe, if you wanna talk. Thanks for sticking around. Also, I'm in the market for a beta or two. Let me know if you're interested.

Sorry for any weird formatting. has changed quite a bit since I last posted and the file saved really weird before I uploaded it. Any mistakes are mine.

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**Chapter 1**  
**Bella**

"Did you get the memo from Jessica about the Volturi account? Caius Volturi called while you were meeting with Mike."

"Yes, I did. I wrote up a report and sent the beginnings of a security program to Eric and his team."

"Okay, I'll check with him and see when a good date is to set up a meeting for the presentation. Sound like a plan?"

"Sounds good, Angela." I said.

"Is it me or did he sound arrogant and pushy?"

I laughed. "No, you're right. He seems to think he knows everything, even how to write a security program. That's got to be the third time he's called this week. I'm so glad we didn't give him direct lines."

Angela was giggling and nodding before I finished my sentence.

"Yeah! We'd be hearing from him a lot more than we want to. I wonder what Aro thinks."

"I shook my head. Aro Volturi was the older brother who seemed a lot more humble than his high tempered sibling.

Angela and I finished a few more things before she gathered her papers, signed _See you tomorrow_ and left my office after I waved.

The Volturi account was going to really put our business on top. Swan Weber Technologies was one of the top security firms on the west coast. Angela and I designed and implemented state of the art security systems. If we could land this account, we'd be national. Volturi Industries was a multimillion-dollar company specializing in anything from mergers and acquisitions to pharmaceuticals. They wanted to upgrade their security before they went international. By upgrade, I mean they wanted an entirely new system, which was a behemoth of a job considering it hadn't had any work in at least five years. Just the thought of how their system looked right now made me cringe. It was so old, disturbingly so, for such a profitable company.

But that was about to change.

I had no idea what I would do without Angela some days. When I finally turned 18, I left for college with the clothes on my back and never looked back. Angela was my roommate at UCLA and she was just as quiet and shy as I was. We both majored in Information Technology, although she minored in business, so we had almost all the same classes together, although we rarely talked. Most of the time, I read her lips or wrote things down. I choose not to speak and although I could hear her, barely, I was more scared than anything. I was not there to make friends, I was there to get done and get out and far away. But Angela didn't treat me like she had an ulterior motive. She didn't make fun of me because I couldn't hear or chose not to speak. She treated me like I was human, like I was her friend, a feeling with which I had never felt before.

And although I tried not to let on to the fact that I craved this new friendship, apparently, I wasn't as subtle as I thought. When Angela realized just how much I needed her and that I preferred to use an altogether different form of communication, she surprised me by walking into our dorm room the first day of our second semester and signing, _Hi, my name is Angela. How was your winter break? _I was so shocked my mouth dropped open, I blinked, and then slowly replied, _Nice to meet you. I'm Bella. My break was fine. You?_

And the rest is history.

I sighed, looking at the stack of papers on my desk. This was going to be a long couple of months. In addition to the Volturi account, I had a smaller account to work on. A nice woman named Esme Platt owned a small business designing wedding and bridesmaids' dresses. She started out at home but her business had grown so much that she was buying a space. Angela had told her that we usually don't work with small businesses and that while we weren't too expensive, we weren't cheap either. Ms. Platt had explained that money was not an object, that her son was paying for the system and he only wanted the best for her. Well, we couldn't argue with that.

While Angela handled the larger companies, I worked with the smaller ones. This was mostly because I did not always have to meet and speak with them about every little thing. Most of the time, the majority of issues could be solved with an email and that suited me just fine. Even though Angela was quiet herself, she worked well with other people and sometimes even thrived when giving presentations to prospective customers.

Really, I'm not sure where I'd be without her.

I gathered up the documents and my laptop, packed them in my messenger bag and headed out, checking that all the doors were locked and our system was backed up to my private server. Everyone else had already left for the week. Friday nights, I usually let my people go a little early. Most days they deserved it; coding was the bane of our existence but we all loved it.

My employees knew I could talk but chose not to, except with Angela of course, and since I hand picked everyone who worked for me, Angela and I devised a system in which they could communicate with me and me with them. Everyone had to learn a few basic signs in case of emergencies but we had codes for certain things, and everyone had to make sure I could see them when they spoke to me. And emails. Lots and lots of emails.

I didn't live far from the building the office was located in so I walked. Downtown Manassas was nice at night, especially since the weather nice and warm. Northern Virginia could be when it wanted to be. About 15 minutes later, I left the business area and entered the residential area. Five minutes later, I was unlocking the door to my house.

It was a modest house with three bedrooms, two baths, living room, dining area, kitchen and den. The layout was open and airy since I could not handle enclosed spaces, navy blue and gray walls, fluffy beige carpet everywhere, and enough shelves for all my books.

I barely made it completely in the door when my dog, Buster, a two year old German Shepherd, leaped at me.

"Hey, Buster! Did you miss me?"

He barked and licked my face, which he knew I hated but secretly loved. His butt wiggled in time with his rapidly wagging tail. I hugged him and scratched between his ears before I made the gesture for 'down' to which he obeyed. I closed and locked the door behind me, arming the alarm system that had disabled when I opened the door. I had designed the locks, keys, and system and only me and Angela had keys to my place, her for emergencies.

I hung my keys on the hook by the door and toed off my shoes. I headed to the kitchen, Buster on my heels. I poured him some food and refilled his water bowl. I grabbed the lasagna I made the day before from the fridge, plated a piece and popped it in the microwave. I motioned for him to go ahead and eat and while Buster chowed down, my food finished. I grabbed a bottle of water, a fork, and headed to my room.

Turning on the T.V. on, I tossed my bag on the bed along with the water. Buster trotted in my room just as I was finishing the lasagna. I scratched between his ears again and he licked my hand. I grinned at him. While he got comfortable on my bed, I went back down to the kitchen and tossed my plate, before going through the house and making sure everything was locked up. I hopped in the shower shortly afterwards, and clad in blue boy shorts and an old college t-shirt, I climbed into bed. I yawned heavily, then turned the volume on the T.V. down. I hated sleeping in the dark. Although I was not a heavy sleeper, every little sound tended to wake me up no matter how tired or exhausted I was. I shivered as the memories of the reason why rushed through me. I couldn't go there again, not tonight.

Before turning off the lamp on my bedside table, I glanced briefly at the notebook that held the tattoo I designed and wondered if I'd ever be normal, if I'd ever be able to be whole.

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So, how we doing?


	3. Chapter 3

Hi all! FF is giving me a headache. I was finally able to upload something without the text being all garbled. That said, though, any mistakes are mine. I dont own the characters. ***Trigger Warning*** This chap does show/mention abuse. If that's not your cup of tea, skip past the italics or don't read, however, this story is about creating a new life in the aftermath of tragedy so everyone will get their HEA. I'll always warn you beforehand, but in case, I don't, read at your discretion.

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**Chapter 2**

**Bella**

_I huddled in the corner, drawing my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them tightly. My hair stuck to my face as tears streamed down my face. I was cold and hungry. The floor was hard and uncomfortable. The darkness was oppressive. I tried my hardness not to make any noise because if I did they would hurt me and then laugh about it afterwards. A beating I could take, it was the mental abusive that was wearing me. What did I do to deserve this? What was wrong with me? What did I do wrong?_

_The floorboards above me creaked and groaned with heavy footsteps. A moment later the door to the tiny room opened and I flinched. The light from the room blinded me and made him seem a lot bigger and scarier. And apparently, I wasn't as quiet as I thought._

"_I thought I told you not to make a sound! You stupid little whore. You never listen!"_

_I screamed and struggled as he grabbed my hair and yanked me to my feet. _

"_I'll teach you to obey me."_

_While dragging me out the room with one hand, he went for his belt with the other…_

"_NO! PLEASE! DON'T! I'll be quiet! I can be quiet. Please, James!" I whimpered, my hands grasping futilely at his hand, trying to ease the strain he was putting on my scalp. My back hit each step, stinging sharply, as he dragged me up the stairs._

"_Obviously, you can't. So I'll teach you how." he cackled._

I screamed as I woke up.

I was panting hard and my heart was beating erratically. Buster whined and crawled up the bed toward me. He planted his head in my lap and licked my hand when I went to rub his head. Buster always knew what to do to help me calm down. I slowly regulated my breathing and grabbed a drink from the water I hadn't finished when I had dinner. I grabbed some tissues from my bedside table and wiped at my sweat-dampened skin. I looked at the time on my phone. 1 a.m. I sighed. I wanted to call Angela. She always told me to call if anything happened, no matter how small. But I never did feel right doing that. Dammit. I knew I shouldn't have gone to sleep thinking about how broken I was. A nightmare was inevitable when I did that.

I sighed again and Buster looked up at me.

"What do you think, Buster? Should I call her?"

He whimpered again and blinked at me.

Angela was the one who suggested I get a dog when I bought the house two and a half years ago. It would be the first time I lived on my own and she didn't think it'd be a good idea for me to come home to a quiet, empty place. We'd been talking about getting our own places after living together for a little over six years. But I was terrified because I didn't want to lose the only real friend I had even though we'd see each other at work everyday. I valued and maybe even craved her friendship; I was not willing to give that up due to different living arrangements. But when we both found places within 10 miles of each other, I knew I had no choice. Angela was ready to have her own space, and while I had no problem with that, I still wasn't sure _I_ was ready. And then I closed on the house. Angela found a condo she liked and we made a pact to meet at least once a week for a girls night. Between the presentation meetings and coordinating with Eric on the design and implementation of the systems, we didn't always have a chance to have lunch together at work during the week, so girls night it was.

Buster licked my hand again. I got Buster from a local shelter when he was six months old and spent the following year training him as a service dog. He has excellent senses and is very intuitive. Almost annoyingly so.

I huffed and grabbed the phone. I knew I would call her because she was there during one of my lowest times and if there was anyone I _knew_ I could count on; it was her. Plus, I most definitely wasn't going back to sleep.

"Hello? Bella? Are you alright?" Angela's sleep roughened voice answered after four rings. I felt bad as usual for waking her but she always helped.

She knew it was me because no one else would call her at this hour.

"I'm alright, Ang. Well, not really but I'm not panicking."

"Nightmare?"

I nodded even though she couldn't see me.

"Yes." I whispered.

"Buster's with you, right?"

I nodded again, and then rolled my eyes at myself. She couldn't see me.

"Yes, head in my lap and all."

"Good. Did your breathing techniques?"

"Yes, Angela." I said, rolling my eyes. She knew everything.

"Alright, alright." I could imagine her grinning. There was the faint sound of rustling on the line so I assumed she was sitting up.

After a minute or two of silence she spoke.

"Who was it this time?'

I shuddered, not really wanting to recall the nightmare but knowing I had to because if I didn't, the consequences would be worse.

"James." I whispered his name so softly I didn't think she heard me. But she did.

"Oh, Bella. What happened?"

"He was about to beat me, after he stuffed me in that room."

"Dammit, if I ever get my hands on him…" she growled.

Buster barked and I knew he heard her tone. I grinned at them both. Angela acted like such a mama bear sometimes it was almost funny. Buster was just extremely protective and reacted to everything.

"Angela—"

"No, Bella, I'm serious. Some people shouldn't be allowed to—"

She stopped abruptly, and blew out a harsh breath loud enough for even me to hear. After a few moments, she calmed down and spoke again.

"I'm coming over."

"No, Angela, you don't need to—"

"Too late, I'm already up. We're gonna do something fun and totally not serious. I'll be there in 20."

She hung up before I could refuse again. I stared at my phone for a good two minutes. Sometimes, I was still shocked that she would do things like that for me, that she would drop everything and come running.

"Well, Buster, Angela's coming over. What do you say we move this party downstairs?"

He barked at the mention of her name (he loved her just as much as he did me, if not more so) and his tail wagged.

I got out from under the covers and, after grabbing the now empty water bottle and my phone, headed downstairs, Buster on my heels. I threw the bottle away when I made it to the kitchen while Buster plopped down the floor in front of the couch. I browsed my DVD collection before deciding on _Sixteen Candles_. It was a classic and totally funny. Fifteen minutes later, Angela let herself in, setting the alarm again while toeing off her shoes. She had a bag with her that looked full of stuff. She grinned at me as she made her way towards me. Buster leaped up and planted his paws on her waist, reaching for her face with his shiny, pink tongue. Angela scratched between his ears just as I had. Buster ate up the attention.

I wondered if I should be worried about that bag and the grin she had on her face.

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**Jasper**

I glanced up from the tattoo I was putting the final touches on when the door to the shop opened. The monitor on my desk showed a short, skinny man, balding, mid 40s I'd guess, walking towards the front counter. It was five minutes to closing time and I smiled as I watched Rose's face frown slightly before she greeted him. She hated last minute patrons.

_Can I help you?_

The man approached the counter, giving her a rather crude once over. Oh, this was gonna be good. I waved Emmett over when he glanced up at me from the chair on the other side of the back area. He moved towards me with a questioning look and I pointed to the monitor that showed the feed from the various cameras we had placed around the shop.

When Emmett looked he smirked and dragged the chair he had been sitting in over next to me.

"What's he saying?" He asked.

While we could see everything that went on in the shop, there was no audio but I could read lips.

_Well, hello there, missy_.

The friendly, albeit strained, smile on Rose's face tightened just a little bit more.

_Hi, what can I do for you?_

_Oh, honey, there are plenty of things I want you to do for me. But let's start with this._

Rose rolled her eyes and I could see her hand clenching behind the counter. Emmett and I snickered.

The man pulled a folded sheet of paper from his back pocket and handed it to Rose.

_I would like to get this on my leg. From here to here._

He indicated from his right thigh on down. I couldn't quite see what the drawing was exactly, it looked almost like a dragon but I couldn't be sure. Rose looked it over and seemed slightly impressed. I wondered how good the drawing was.

_Okay, well, we can appraise it for you and give you a price. One of the other artists will do it though if you decide to stick with us because I don't usually handle larger pieces._

The man grinned lasciviously and reached for her hand. Wrong move.

_Aw, why can't you do it? I'm sure there's something I could entice you with._

Wrong words.

Emmett and I waited in anticipation because we _knew_ Rose was about to flip her shit.

Her hands clenched, crinkling the paper.

_I'd advise you to remove your hand if you would like to take it home with you._

Her voice was so cold, the North Pole would seem like paradise.

Emmett and I were trying to hold in our laughter as the man snatched his hand back so fast, you'd have thought she burned him.

_Now, do you want this appraised or not? If not, I suggest you leave before my fiancé decides to relocate your limbs._

The man paused, eyes wide, before nodding hesitantly. Rose smiled sweetly and called for Emmett.

By this time we were cracking up. The man looks like he was about to soil his pants. I though he might once Emmett made his appearance.

_He's about to soil himself,_ I sign to Emmett. He nodded, grinning some more before composing himself and walking to the front. I laughed some more as the man's jaw drops. I shake my head once he reaches the counter and return my attention to the piece I was finishing up.

It was a fairly intricate tribal piece that a client wanted intermingled with some words and a date. They'd yet to tell me what it meant but I was thinking it was a tribute to someone who died.

Rose and Emmett walked in the office a few minutes later laughing.

"He really thought that would work!" Rose said, shaking her head.

"Jasper and I were watching. His face when you told him to move his hand!" Emmett guffawed and wrapped an arm around her waist.

I grinned at them.

_I was sure he was going to start running_, I signed.

"He was, but I guess he really wanted that tattoo." Rose laughed.

_What was it?_

Emmett handed me the paper and just like Rose, I was a bit impressed at the artwork. It was a dragon, similar to the one in _Dragon Ball Z_, but different. It was blue with undertones of black and grey. It had wings and was breathing fire. Swirls of orange, red, yellow and even pink almost made it appear as if it were moving. I wondered who the artist was. There was no signature and I'm pretty sure the man didn't do it.

_This is really good. I wonder who drew it._

"He said a friend did it. It was supposed to be a joke but it looked so good that he wanted to keep it." Emmett explained.

I nodded. I'd keep it, too.

_Appraisal?_

"Somewhere between $300-$1000. It depends on if he wants to keep the wings, elongate the tail, or shorten the fire. The amount of color. I got his contact info. Told him we would call him tomorrow."

I nodded. For the placement the man indicated, the dragon would be need to be altered but not by much.

_Okay. Sounds good. Ready to close?_

They nodded and I shut the monitor off, gathering my sketchbooks, pencils, jacket, helmet and messenger bag, before locking the office. Rose and Emmett walked ahead of me, through the shop turning off lights, music, and t.v.s I locked the front door once we were all outside.

_See you tomorrow._

They waved before Emmett unlocked the doors to his jeep, got in, and drove away. I walked to my bike. I loved my bike, the speed, the design, the rush. It was the joy of my life, especially on my dark days. I mounted it, turned the key and took off after revving the engine a few times. Bliss.

All too soon, I made it home. I parked in the underground garage of my condo and took the elevator up to the 10th floor. Unlocking my door, I dropped my keys into the table just inside the door before tugging my bag off. I grabbed a bottle of water from the kitchen on the way to my bedroom. I tossed my bag on the bed. I stripped on my way to the bathroom, turning on the shower while I did my business. I was bone tired. I had four clients back to back, all with four-hour sessions. My hands and wrists ached so I held them under the hot spray of the shower for a few minutes. I hurried with the rest of my shower, climbing out and toweling dry. I grabbed a pair of sleep pants, tugged them on and climbed into bed.

I hoped that I had tired myself out enough to have a dreamless sleep but my subconscious had other ideas.

My night was full of hiding, terror, screaming, and death.

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Alright, how we doing? Find me on fb reader4lyfe. Anyone got any suggestions on banner making?


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi folks. Sorry this is late. RL isn't being nice to me and I'm trying really hard to stop with the crying and getting a handle on my anxiety and depression. Similar to my Bella in this story, every day is a struggle. I dont own, no infringement intended.**

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**Chapter 3**

**Bella**

I don't know why I was so scared.

Angela was harmless. She just brought a lot of stuff. Sappy, girly movies, comedic romances, comedies, action, adventure; she always did have such a diverse DVD collection. She also brought Scrabble, which is my all time favorite game. She successfully distracted me all night and well into the morning. I don't think we actually got to sleep until around six a.m.

I stood up and stretched; sitting on the couch for too long made my limbs ache. The last movie we watched, _The Big Hit_, was replaying on the T.V. Buster was sprawled out on the floor in front of the couch. His ears and tail twitched as he heard my movements. I glanced at my phone, 10:46 a.m. it said. I yawned before moving the other end of the couch and gently shaking Angela's shoulder. She groaned and knocked my hand away. I laughed quietly.

"Angela, wake up. Breakfast?"

"Hmm, okay." She mumbled from under her arm.

I shook my head at her, laughing softly, before heading off to the kitchen. By the time I made it to the fridge, Buster had made it to the kitchen as well. He came over and nuzzled my hand. I scratched his head, feeding him a dog treat since he stayed up with us too, then moved to fill his water and food bowls.

I got the ingredients for omelets with bacon and wheat bread for toast. By the time I had the toast ready, Angela was lumbering in, rubbing her eyes. She used one hand to sign 'Good Morning' and I acknowledged it with a hum. Buster bumped her thigh when she sat down at the island. She scratched his head. I plated the food, having set out the plates already. Angela poured the orange juice and we all tucked in, Buster included. He was trained not to eat until I did, unless I signed otherwise, in case something happened. It rarely ever happened, well except once…I shook my head to clear it. I wasn't going back there today.

Angela tapped my shoulder. I glanced at her.

_Are you okay?_ She signed.

I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut tightly against the memories that threatened to overtake me. Buster stopped eating and plopped his head on my thigh, along with a paw. He whimpered, alerting me to his change in breathing pattern. I listened for a moment and then changed my breathing to match his. Sometime later, I came back to myself, calm and relaxed. Angela rubbed my back once she knew I was calm and wouldn't react badly to her touch. I knew it was coming so I could expect it. Buster whined quietly and went back to eating when he was satisfied I was okay.

"I hate it when that happens." I sighed quietly.

"You should be proud. You got through that in about ten minutes. Before, it used to take you more than a day." Angela grinned at me.

I grinned back and finished my food. She was right. Despite my struggles, I had come a long way.

Angela, having finished her food went to clean up the kitchen. She took my plate once I was done and we headed our separate ways to get ready for the day. We met at the front door a half hour later. I pulled Buster's service vest on, deciding to keep him close to me today. Despite my being able to hold myself together, the last 24 hours had been rough and I needed the comfort he provided.

We took my jeep since the back seat of Ang's car wouldn't have been a comfortable fit for Buster. We went to a few local shops and bought some clothes and books. We had to go to the pet store to get Buster groomed, a new collar, and a few new toys. I did love to spoil him. Anything else he needed I usually had delivered to the house. Our last stop was a grocery store. Angela needed to get a few things while I stocked up on more water and a few other things. I had a few tense moments when some of the shops got too crowded but Buster and Angela kept me grounded.

By the time we made it back to my place it was going on 6 pm. We decided to order some Chinese and I fed Buster while Ang ordered. We settled in with a movie after the food arrived.

Although she avoided it, I knew Angela wanted to talk more about this morning but I just wasn't ready yet. When the movie was over, she surprised me by asking about something different, though not altogether completely unexpected.

"Still thinking about the tattoo?"

My head whipped to the side to look at her. She didn't look at me directly but she did hazard a quick glance.

I hummed and thought for a minute. Then, because I did not feel like speaking at the moment, I gestured for her attention before signing.

_Yes, I thought about it last night. I do still want to get it. But I don't know if I will ever be able to go on my own._

I shook my head as she was about to offer to go with me like she always did when this topic came up.

_You know I need to do this on my own. I know I've come so far but this is something that I need to do, to solidify the knowledge that my body and my mind are my own, no one else's. The problem is that that concept is so much easier said than understood. It's been three months since I first drew it up but the idea has been with me for a year now. You know this. I just cant seem to…_

I let the sentence die off, my hands dropping to my lap. Angela's look of worry and pride warmed my heart but also made me realize that while I _have_ come so very far, I'm not where I want to be and I don't know if I'll ever get there.

"Okay, Bella. I get it. I just wish you would realize that my being there, or even you just asking for the tiniest little bit of help, by no means means that you are weak or incapable. In fact, it's the opposite. You are strong enough to do everything on your own, but asking help, for support, means you have the power to choose whether you want it or not. After all the therapy and support groups, I'm surprised you still haven't gotten that concept down yet." She shook her sadly.

I knew she was frustrated with me on that front. I was never good at asking for things because, well, asking meant trouble, which in the end meant pain, and while logically, I knew Angela would_ never _lay a negative finger on me, some things took more time to let go than others.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"No, no, don't be. You are doing the best you can and I appreciate that. I cannot change the way you think or the rate of change. And I don't want to. But I do want you know when and if the time comes, you might not have a choice."

**~LoL~**

Looking at the design later that night, I felt my eyes start to water and my breathing accelerate. Angela left for home after we watched another movie. We didn't speak again, except to say goodbye. She wanted to get a leg up on some work before the week started and to catch up on some sleep. We didn't part on bad terms; the tension was just heavy and I had a lot to think about. She was giving me space to do so.

This design meant a lot of things to me, some I was ready to confront and others I didn't even want to touch with a ten-foot pole. But I knew, at some point, it had to be done. What would be the point of all the progress I made, if I couldn't overcome this hurdle? I don't want to go back to questioning every tiny detail of my life and being suspicious of others. I don't want the nightmares to increase. I don't want to go back to the lack of sleep or the drugs.

I don't want to back to ten years ago.

I cant.

Buster came into my room, having come in from doing his business. He jumped on my bed and whimpered when he sensed my mood. His head dropped on my leg and I scratch his ears.

"I'm alright, Buster, I'm okay."

Grabbing a tissue from my bedside table, I wiped at my face and came to a decision.

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How we doin? Find me on Fb reader4lyfe if you wanna talk. Anyone have banner making suggestions?


	5. Chapter 5

**Hiya folks! RL is being mean and I could use a pick me up. Any mistakes are mine. No matter how many times I read through I always miss something. I dont own, but I do own a crapton of blue sippy cups.**

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**Chapter 4**

**Jasper**

Emmett called Creepy Guy (his real name was Alistair but Creepy Guy was more entertaining) a few days later and asked him to come in for an appraisal and to bring his friend who drew up the dragon. I was finishing up a session with a young lady who was getting a phoenix across her shoulder blades. We were nearly done and she was one of the few women I've tattooed over the years that had no pain threshold. The back of the neck and the spine are some of the most sensitive spots on the body. She took it like a pro. Six sessions and 24 hours, she was one of the few who could make my hands cramp. I wiped access ink and blood from the edge of a wing, cleaned the area, and then taped a layer of saran wrap on it. I tapped Siobhan's shoulder to let her know we were done for the day. She adjusted the straps of her camisole, pulling them up onto her shoulders, smiled at me, paid, and then left. She was a big-boned, red haired woman of very few words which suited me just fine.

I cleaned up my station while Emmett brought Creepy Guy, I mean Alistair, and his friend, a tall—nearly as tall as Emmett—and muscled, blonde man, to the back into the office. Rose was in the middle of a piercing job behind a closed curtain but since she wouldn't be the one doing the tatt she didn't need to be in the meeting. I had a feeling she wouldn't want to be either way after his shitty display.

I headed to the back to find Emmett leaning against my desk with Alistair and the blonde man standing in front of his desk which was adjacent to mine. He waved me in and I took a seat behind my desk. I pulled out a folder from one of my desk drawers, opening it on the desk. I had made three versions of the dragon, one with the fire reduced and the wings big, one with the wings reduced and the fire big, and one with both reduced.

"Guys, this is Jasper. He owns the place. It'll either be me or him doing the tatt." Emmett said.

"I'm Alistair, and this is Carlisle. He drew the dragon." He said, nodding toward him.

Up close, I could see Carlisle had blue eyes, 5 o'clock shadow, and a hint of ink peeked out from the short sleeves of his plain white t-shirt. His arms were folded across his chest making his muscles bulge a bit. If Emmett wasn't so big, I might have been intimidated. As it stood, I wondered what he did for a living.

"I have to ask; how did a bet turn into this?" Emmett grinned at Carlisle.

He grinned back, shaking his head.

"A couple of us guys went out drinking and they bet Alistair he couldn't describe a picture to me while trashed and I couldn't draw it while trashed either. They underestimated my alcohol tolerance. Alistair was too shit-faced to tell me exactly what he wanted so I just filled in the blanks. Everyone else egged him on. It was quite hilarious."

We all laughed.

"Jazz spruced it up a bit but that's the final image. Change it however you want, Alistair."

Emmett waved Alistair over to his desk, taking the folder with the mock-ups from me and they proceeded to discuss the details of the dragon. Emmett could draw just about anything, almost as well as me. I had a feeling he wanted to do this job. I also think he wanted the opportunity to cause the man a little pain for hitting on his fiancée. I shook my head at the thought, smiling slightly.

Carlisle came toward me and handed me a black folder I didn't realize he was holding. I looked up at him. He shrugged, a sheepish look on his face.

"Alistair told me you guys really liked it so I thought I'd bring some samples in."

He brought a hand up to rub at the back of his neck. He had to be around my mom's age but looked as nervous as a teenager on his first date.

I took the folder and flipped through it. He had pictures of two more dragons, some faeries, animals, and even some quite impressive letter work. His use of color along with shading and layering was really good.

My eyebrows rose, impressed.

I grabbed a pen from a cup on my desk and a notebook. Opening it up to a blank page, I wrote down a question. He didn't question my lack of speech, and, come to think of it, neither did Alistair, which either meant Emmett must've said something or they just didn't care.

_Where did you learn to draw?_

I pushed the notebook toward him and after a moment, he replied.

"I'm a graphic designer. You know Cullen Advertising?"

I nodded.

"I've done most of the designs for their top contracts, Fortune 100 companies and the like." That explained his skill. It takes years of practice to be this good, especially if the talent isn't natural. His seemed like a bit of both.

_Are you looking for work? Is that why you brought these? Cullen Advertising is a nearly internationally known company. If you're handling their top contracts, why come here with a portfolio? I'm sure they pay much more than I do._

"No, I'm not looking for work but you're right; they do pay more. I guess I'm just looking for something a little different than dealing with demanding CEOs and people who think they know everything." He grinned at me and I returned it.

_Ah, yes, big business, little brains. I know the feeling. What were you thinking, then?_

"I'm not sure, perhaps an apprenticeship or just an opportunity? I hear you're the best tattoo artist this side of the state and that your shops are some of the best known in Virginia."

_Flattery may get you places. _I grinned at him._ I see your own ink though. Those look really well done. Why not go for the artist who did those?_

"Yes, Demetri Italiano did these." Carlisle lifted his sleeves to show the claws of a dragon and tail on one arm and some colorful koi fish and flowers on the other. The ink most likely spread across and down his back and maybe his chest as well. "He does great work but he's also a pompous asshole who think he's God's gift women, and probably men."

I nodded, laughing. Yes, I met the man once at a tattoo convention when I was first getting started. He claimed he could make me and break me, that there was no one better in the business than him. Fuck, did I love proving him wrong. You could say we are rivals now. He's always sending people to troll my shops, trying to steal my artists and designs. People didn't think tattooing was a cutthroat business but it so was. For Italiano, underestimating his artists' abilities is how he managed to lose five of his people over the last two years to me. That was insanely gratifying.

But I had a thought. Narrowing my eyes at him, I wrote down my suspicions.

_He's always sending people my way, trying to steal my work and clients. How do I know you aren't working for him?_

"I don't know. I guess you'll just have to trust me."

I frowned and looked up at him. He seemed sincere but in my experience, just because one acted sincere didn't mean they were.

Suddenly, I remembered _him_ asking me to be a good boy, to hand him the bottle, that he would leave her alone if I just did what was I told. His voice was placating, coaxing, however, his intent was anything but.

Oh, shit.

Not now. Not now. _Not now._

My eyes closed and my head started to pound. Blood rushed in my ears and my hands clenched. My breathing sped.

Vaguely, I could hear someone calling my name but I couldn't answer them because my mouth refused to work. I heard, hushed voices, then the office door open and close.

Screaming and yelling assaulted my senses and dark spots were at the edges of my vision.

"Jasper! Jasper! Jazz! Focus on me. Look at me!" Emmett grabbed my shoulders, turning me towards him. His face was inches from mine, forcing my eyes to focus on his. He grabbed my hands, forcing them to unclench and pressed them against his broad chest.

"Follow my breathing, bro. C'mon. If you don't, you'll pass out and we don't want that, right?"

I shook my head no, regulating my breathing to match his. Slowly, I could feel the fuzziness in my head ebb away and the spots in my vision fade. The yelling and screaming in my head lowered to a dull roar. The pounding between my eyes lessened gradually.

Fuck, I haven't had a reaction like that in nearly five years.

The fuck happened? One minute I was talking to Carlisle and the next…

"Better?" Emmett asked. When I nodded, the hands on my shoulders relaxed and my hands dropped from his chest to my lap. Emmett moved back, giving me some space.

"J, what happened?"

I shook my head again. Shit, I needed to stop doing that. My head wasn't done pounding.

_I don't know. I was talking with Carlisle and then…_

I looked up at Emmett, frowning.

_He asked me to trust him._

Em's eyes widened. He knew, then, what had been going through my head.

"What were you talking about?"

_He was looking to become an artist_. I gestured to my desk where Carlisle's portfolio lay open still. _He said most of his ink was done by Demetri and we know how sneaky and persistent that fucker is._

Emmett nodded, looking thoughtful.

"He must've done his research before he came. He said he never expected Alistair to keep the drawing, let alone get the thing tattooed, so I don't think he came with the intention of spying or doing anything for Italiano."

_You're right. He was very sincere. Plus, he works for Cullen Advertising. He makes more than me or Italiano would pay him, even if he is really good. It's got to be for some other purpose but I don't think it's negative._

Emmett nodded but continued to study me closely for another panic attack. "Are you okay?"

Nodding slowly, I signed _It just shocked me, threw me back into a time where…he…tried…_

Frowning again, I shook my head, letting my hands drop to my lap, and then cursed out loud. My head was pounding again.

"Aw, Jasper. We talked about this. You know it can't and wont happen again. Ever. You know that."

_I know. I just…_

"Having you been having the dreams again?"

My head snapped up sharply, forcing my eyes to clench shut tightly as a sharp pain ricocheted around my brain.

"Fuck, bro."

I heard movement, the office door opening and closing after a whispered curse. By the time Emmett came back I could open and focus my eyes. He had a bag from McDonalds in one hand and a plastic bag in the other. I didn't realize I'd spent 20 minutes sitting like that.

"Here, take this and eat something." He handed me the Mickey D's bag and put a bottle of aspirin and some water from the plastic bag.

Despite the fact that I was the older brother and was supposed to be the one telling him what to do, I did as I was told.

Emmett was leaning against the wall, watching me like a hawk when Rose came in. He must've said something to her on his way out for she didn't look alarmed but concerned and asked if I was all right. When I nodded, she stared at me for longer than necessary but decided not to push the subject. She could be abrasive when she wanted to be but she was also loyal. I knew she didn't know everything that happened me, or Emmett for that matter, but she knew some of it and that was enough for her to realize that sometimes he and I had triggers despite all the therapy and it was best to let us ride it out. These days they were few and far between but every once and while…

_What happened to Carlisle and Alistair? _I signed to Emmett.

"I confirmed a day and time for Alistair to come back and start his sessions. He decided to keep the wings instead of the fire and changed the placement from his leg to his back and part of his arm. We priced it pretty high because of the extra detail and size. I gave Carlisle your card and told him to come back in a few days."

I nodded as he finished talking, the meds kicking in and soothing the pain in my head.

"Have you talked to Mom?"

_Not since I put her in contact with that security company for her shop last week._

"You should talk to her. You know she hates it when you hide things from her. Especially now."

I was shaking my head before he could finish.

_NO! She already blames herself. She'll never stop blaming herself. I don't want to dump this on her. Especially not now that she's finally doing something for herself._

Emmett and Rose both sighed heavily.

I knew they worried about me, especially since I'm alone while they have each other and when I'm not working I hardly speak to anyone. Being alone had its ups and downs and lately, I was starting to notice all the downs. But who would want a man that isn't completely whole and comes with enough baggage to fill a Boeing 737? Add to that the fact that I've never really been in a relationship before and, well…

"Just call her. She worries when she doesn't hear from you." This from Rose, who talked more to Esme than Em and I both did on a weekly basis. They adored each other. It wasn't that Em and I had a problem with our mother, in fact, we loved her more than anything, but we had spent so many years trying to repair our relationship with her and that wasn't easy.

Sometimes it was hard to talk with her about what we went through and why she made the choices she made. It was difficult to talk to her about anything. But we were working on it. _I_ was working on it.

_Next week. _I signed.

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	6. Chapter 6

**Hi folks! Thanks to you all for reviewing, favoriting, following, supporting. It gives me light on my dark days. I own nothing but messy docs.**

* * *

**Chapter 5**

**Bella**

About a month after my nightmare, Angela and I were in my office going over the first stages of the system for the Volturi account that Eric and his team had finished. Despite our talk, I still regressed, but only a little. I talked to her less, using sign language more often and while she didn't comment on it, I knew she was worried.

Today, though, I had been working up the nerve to tell her something but trying to broach the subject was rendering me damn near mute, vocally and sign wise.

"Aro talked to Caius and got him to stop calling us every other day every time he gets an itch. He even apologized." Angela said, glancing at me briefly from the round table in the corner of my office.

_That's good. I don't know how he deals with such an overbearing person, brother or otherwise._

A brief, awkward pause developed as my thoughts drifted and I dropped my hands. The files and code on my desktop blurred as I thought, for the millionth time, how I was going to bring this up to Angela.

"Uh oh, you've zoned out on me. What's up?" She dropped the pen and pad she had been using and focused on me completely.

Dammit. I was hoping she wouldn't notice for a few more hours.

_I'm going to go._ I signed after a minute, staring the most interesting knot on my mahogny desk. Has that always been there?

Despite the fact that I didn't speak, my throat closed up and it was suddenly hard to swallow. My hands shook.

I hear Angela moving and glanced up just in time to see her take a seat in one of the chairs in front of my desk.

"Really?"

I nodded slowly, glancing at her quickly before looking at the knot I could've sworn wasn't there yesterday. She was right in that I had been thinking about it for a long time. I just had to muster up the courage go through with it.

"When?"

_Saturday._

"Wow, Bella. I'm proud of you." Angela said with a smile lighting her face.

I returned it slightly, the butterflies in my stomach making me feel a little nauseous. I knew she would be happy that I finally decided to go but I still worried about whether or not I could go by myself. I knew I _needed_ to, I just didn't know if I was _able_ to. Maybe I could ask her to go with me on the first day since I knew this would take more than one session and after that…no…I don't think I'm strong enough for that either.

I sighed heavily. Sometimes I wondered if she ever thought I was a burden on our friendship. Would a time come when I simply asked too much of her and she decided to leave? I refused to think of an answer to that.

Angela had gone back to the table, having opened her laptop and was typing away at something. I wonder how long I had been lost in my thoughts. I tapped my desk to get her attention but didn't look at her as I signed.

_Would you go with me?_

I heard her sharp intake of breath and held my own, waiting for her answer. Just when I was starting to fidget she called my name.

"Bella?"

I looked up at her.

_Yes_. She signed.

Where would I be without Angela?

**~LoL~**

I wish life was more like binary code and program writing. If I created a program and there was a problem, it was in the code and if I found said problem, corrected it, then the program was guaranteed to work the way I wanted it to work from the beginning. There was no grey area. Either it worked or it didn't. Errors or not. No guesswork, no games, no good, bad, worse. Code was one of the purest languages, albeit difficult, it always had a purpose and never failed to complete said purpose. It was guaranteed to work.

But unlike code, life has no guarantees.

And I learned that the hard way.

"Want me to drive?"

Angela and I stood outside my front door, waiting for me to make the first move. I had thought about bringing Buster with me but I had never taken Buster to such an environment before. While he was very well trained, I wasn't sure how he would handle me actually putting stress and pain on myself on purpose, especially after all the work it took me to get to this point while training him. But perhaps I trained him too well as I had to practically force Buster to sit and stay in my room before we even made it out the door because he sensed my mood and was not happy about being left in the house. I tried to talk him down, I rubbed him good, told him I'd be okay, that Angela was with me, but I swear the dog gave me a dubious, disbelieving look that said 'like hell you will.' Sometimes, he was too intuitive for his own good but he stayed. I made a mental note to get him something good on the way home, that is, if I could even get out my driveway.

I had the notebook with the drawing clutched to my chest. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and nodded at her.

Angela didn't speak or try to initiate small talk. She let me dwell in my own headspace, which, surprisingly, wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be once I made it inside the car and we headed out. I was still nervous as hell and my hands hadn't stopped shaking but I was okay. I barely registered the scenery or the time as Angela drove. The shop wasn't far so the ride didn't take long but at the same time it felt like hours. My mind was going crazy with the million ways this could turn out, most of them bad. I wanted to take of my life again; that was the point in doing this. But that was much, much easier said than done.

"We're here, Bella."

I looked up at Angela who pointed across the street. I turned my head to see the sign _Jasper's Tattoos and Designs_. The front of the shop had dark tinted windows with the various services they provided printed on them as well as a phone number and some rather pretty and intricate design work. It looked more like a salon than a tattoo shop and that eased my nervousness a little, but not much.

"We don't have to go today, Bella. You can reschedule. You have all the time in the world." Angela said, gently touching my shoulder. I jumped slightly but nodded at her.

I breathed deeply, steeled myself, and reached for the door handle.

Angela and I made our way across the street. Like ripping a Band-Aid off, I pulled the door open and stepped inside. I was greeted with instrumental music playing from hidden speakers, a couple sitting on comfortable looking couches in the nice black and grey colored waiting area browsing through a tattoo portfolio, a few flat screens showing music videos, news, and day time TV were mounted to the walls. There was a glass counter/case about 60ft in front of me with an array of jewelry, shirts, hats and other merchandise. No one was behind the counter but there was a bell with a sign that to ring for assistance. Behind the counter were heavy black curtains that shielded everyone's view. The sense of privacy it gave was unexpectedly reassuring.

Angela glanced at me before ringing the bell. She grabbed my hand and led me to an empty couch near the couple who smiled softly at us. A quick glance at the portfolio they held showed they looking to get matching couples' tattoos.

"It's alright, Bella. You've made it this far. No one will think you weak for leaving right now if you chose to." Angela encouraged me. Her hands tightened on mine so I knew she noticed how they had yet to stop shaking.

She was right, though. I had made it this far. I could make it even farther if I just believed I could do it, which I didn't. But if there was one I wanted, it was to make Angela proud of me since she was the only one who ever cared enough to give a damn about me.

I smiled at her, though it was weak.

"Can I help you ladies?" We looked towards the counter to see a huge, burly man with blue eyes and brown curly hair wearing a black muscle shirt smiling at us.

I flinched, hoping no one noticed but Angela did, as usual, and she squeezed my hand in support. She stood up, more or less dragging me with her, and approached the counter.

"Hi, we're here to see Rose. We have an appointment." My gaze was focused on the man's hands rather than his face. I was not opposed to admitting he scared me. Angela would handle this. I was suddenly glad I asked her to come with me. I was sure, in this moment; I would have bolted had I been by myself. People of large stature scared the shit out of me for more reasons that I cared to admit out loud.

"Okay, you must be Bella." He grinned, which almost made him look boyish. Had I not been so worked up, I might have smiled back at him. As it was, I meerly looked to Angela for more help.

God, I was a complete and utter mess.

"This is Bella, I'm Angela, the best friend." She squeezed my hand again, urging me to look up but I couldn't. Even though the man sounded nice and sincere, that didn't mean much when things got bad. Not that I thought he would do anything bad in a public place; he was just so…big.

"Gotcha. Well, first times are better with company. I'll go get Rosie. She's just finishing up a piercing. Have a seat and she'll be out soon." He gestured to the couches again. He waved the nice couple back and they chatted as they passed by us towards the counter.

"Okay." Angela pulled me back to the couch and we sat. I took a deep breath.

"Well, he's cute but taken." She laughed quietly.

I looked up at her. Using one hand because I wasn't sure I could relax my grip on her hand long enough, I signed.

_How do you know that?_

"His eyes lit up just at the mention of her name. I know that look. My parents give it to each other all the time." She said. "Plus, he had her name tattooed on his left ring finger."

I hummed in response, suddenly wishing that I had seen this look she was talking about because that had to mean the big man wasn't mean and big, he was just big, right?

I shook my head.

"How are you doing, Bella?"

I shrugged. Releasing my death grip on her hand, I signed to her.

_I'm not going to bolt, although if you hadn't been here with me, I might have. He's huge! _

Angela flexed her fingers and I gave her an apologetic look.

"Yes, I noticed. It's impossible not to. But I bet you he's harmless. Had you looked you would've noticed his dimples and wide smile. Totally non threatening." Angela grinned at me.

I smiled back, jerking suddenly when I heard someone call my name.

I looked to the counter again, this time seeing a tall, beautiful, blonde woman standing behind it. She had grey eyes and a nice smile. Her hair was long and pin straight. Colorful tattoos covered her pale arms. I could see an elegantly written _E _partially covered by the strap of her red camisole inked over her heart. I wondered if the big man's name began with an E.

Angela and I stood.

"This is Bella, I'm Angela." She gestured to me then held her hand out to Rose. They shook. I waved.

"I'm Rose. It's nice to meet you both. C'mon back."

We followed her around the side of the counter to the back, past the heavy curtains. There were four stations, three on the left and one on the back wall, each set up with lights and mirrors with cabinets and drawers and two chairs. It reminded me of a hair salon but with dividers almost like cubicles. It was all very clean and organized. There was a couple doors in the very back, one read 'Rstroom' and the other read 'Employees Only'. Rose's station was the second one from the front. She grabbed an extra chair from the station before hers and positioned it next to one already there. She gestured for us to have a seat, to which we did. The big man was nowhere to be seen and I relaxed a bit at that.

"So, Bella, you mentioned getting something you designed." Rose spoke as she took a seat on a stool in front of us.

I nodded, opening my notebook to the correct page, and then handing it to her.

I saw her eyes widen just a fraction before she smiled at me.

"Wow, this is really good. Mind if I tweak it just a bit?"

I shook my head. Rose got up and went to the very back of the shop, and through the door marked for employees.

"You're doing really well, Bella." Angela encouraged.

_Thanks. I appreciate that._I signed.

My vocal cords did not seem to want to work anymore, despite how far I made it today. I was not as worried though as Rose seemed really nice.

Rose came back a few minutes later, handing me my notebook before taking a seat.

"Here's what I've done. I didn't change it much but if you don't like it we can go back to the original or change it to your liking, okay?"

I nodded at her, looking at the drawing she'd copied onto another sheet of paper. She changed the swirls around a bit and enterwined the lettering within said swirls so that it all blended together seamlessly but you could still make out what it said. That was exactly what I'd been trying to accomplish but just couldn't seem to get it quite right.

I smiled and nodded at her vigorously.

_That's it! Thank you. I had been trying to marry it all together just so but couldn't get it quite right._

I signed quickly before I caught myself. I froze, eyes wide. My hands dropped to my lap. Angela was just about to translated when Rose did something I didn't expect.

_It's not a problem. I'm glad you like it._ Rose signed to me.

I blinked at her. She grinned at me.

_My future brother in law._ She signed and shrugged by way of explanation. Angela chuckled, shaking her head.

Smiling at her, I signed _Thank you_.

I was suddenly glad that I chose this shop over Italiano's. I chose this one was because it was closer to home and Rose was so friendly and helpful in the emails we exchanged. While I booked an appointment online, she'd emailed to confirm some details. The guy that answered at the other shop was a bit rude, pushing me to make an appointment and not inquiring as what I wanted exactly. I had to call when their site didn't have an option to book online. What was it they said about first impressions?

"So, where do you want it and how big exactly?"

Since I didn't think I'd get this far, I hadn't thought much about the placement of the tattoo. I took a second to do then I gestured to my left shoulder blade.

"Stand up and turn around." She requested. I did so, feeling her press the paper with the tattoo on it against the designated area. She hummed then said she'd be right back.

I sat back down.

"Are you going to get it today, Bella?" Angela asked.

I nodded. _Yeah, I will. It would take much more work for me to leave and come back later and I'd hate to have to ask you to keep coming back with me. The detail is a lot though so I am sure it will take more than one session._

Angela shook her head at me.

"You know I'll help you with anything, Bella. I'll come as many time as you need. You're so stubborn."

I shrugged.

I couldn't express how much she meant to me sometimes. She had been there for some of my worst lows and all of my best highs. But sometimes, even after all these years, it felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for her to finally realize that I wasn't worth it.

Because deep down, I knew I wasn't.

I heard Angela gasp next to me and I turned to see what was wrong. A man had walked through the curtains from the front of the shop and headed toward the back. He had dark skin, black long hair that stopped about mid back, glasses, and was wearing dark wash jeans with a muscle shirt, similar to the big man's although he wasn't as big as him. He smiled at us as he walked by but I noticed his gaze linger on Angela. I glanced back and forth between the two of them slightly amused and slightly worried. Angela had gone on a date here and there but never had she been so…breathless just by looking at a man before. She was such a headstrong woman. I watched her eyes follow him all the way to the back where the big man greeted him with a smile and a hug that had to hurt but the man didn't flinch at all. I hadn't noticed the big man come back yet and I wanted to curl in on myself so as not to attract attention.

"Jake, you made it in!" the big man said. The back of the shop wasn't as big as I thought so sound travelled just loud enough for me to hear it if I turned my head in the right direction.

"Hey, Emmett. I just got back in. Traffic was a bitch leaving the airport, that's why it took me so long." His deep voice was loud as he clapped Emmett on the back. "How's Rose?"

"She's good. Can't wait to get this wedding shit over and done with, though." He grinned at Jake. Well I guess that answers the question about who the letter tattooed on Rose's chest belonged to.

"Are you guys talking about me again? I can hear you, you know." Rose suddenly appeared at Emmett's side.

"Wouldn't dream of it, babe." Emmett smiled at her, wrapping an arm around her waist and kissing her until it was almost inappropriate. Jake shook his head at them.

"Hey, Jake, how was the trip?" Rose asked when they parted. I side eyed Angela, noticing that she still had not stopped staring so I elbowed her and she blinked, blushing profusely.

"It was good. We landed the client." He gave her a brief hug.

"That's great. I know you were nervous about that one for awhile."

"I was. But it's all good. Is Jasper here? I wanted to go over the books with him before I headed home. It's been awhile. Have to make sure he isn't driving this place into the ground." Jake grinned at her.

Rose and Emmett both laughed.

"He's here." Rose said.

Right then, a tall blonde man appeared in the doorway Rose and Emmett had come from. He was a little taller than Emmett but not as big, closer to Jake's size but leaner. Come to think of it, all three men had muscles and tattoos. It was a bit unnerving for me but as I glanced at them, they did not seem threatening. And for some reason I couldn't take my eyes off the blonde man, Jasper, they said his name was. His hair was on the long side, reaching past his shoulders, and he wore blue jeans, black chucks, and a white tshirt that hugged his chest and shoulders. Ink covered his toned arms and peaked out around his neck. Swirls of lines and colors and shapes that gave me the urge to touch him when I've never wanted to touch another person or vise versa in all my life. I couldn't see his eyes from where I was sitting but, suddenly, like he could sense me looking at him, his gaze snapped over to meet mine and I gasped before looking away, or rather tried to. His ocean blue eyes held me, tethered me to this moment. I don't think either of us breathed. A heartbeat later, we both blinked and glanced away at the same time.

I breathed deeply. This time, Angela was the one elbow me. I shook my head.

"Jasper, how's it going?" Jake boomed.

With his left hand, Jasper made the universal gesture for 'so-so' and then gestured for Jake to follow him to the back. Rose kissed Emmett before heading our way. He headed to the station on the back wall after gesturing for the couple, who had appeared with Jasper in the doorway to follow him. When they were seated, he pulled long curtain around the station that was hidden in the wall.

"Okay, sorry about that. I had to change the size a bit to fit your shoulder and move the swirls around some. Does this still work?" Producing a paper from behind her back with my tattoo on it. It was bigger , the detail more intricate than I could've ever drawn.

I nodded at her, extremely happy with the changes. Her attention to detail was beyond anything I could've thought of.

We agreed on a price. Money wasn't an issue for me. It felt so good always being able to think that. We also settled on a tentative schedule depending on how much we got done today.

"Alright, well, I'll print this up and then we can get started." I handed Angela my notebook.

Rose grabbed a chair from the opposite wall that looked like someone had detached the back rest, arms and all, from the seat, turned it around and put it back on. She gestured for me to sit in it with my back facing her. I shrugged off the button up I wore and dropped the strap of my cami just as she drew a curtain around us. I was glad there was some cover. No one would see the hideousness that was my back.

When Rose placed the soft paper against my shoulder, I knew she could see the scars but she didn't comment on them. Angela turned her chair to watch Rose work. She cleaned and lightly shaved the area. Then gathered her tools and colors.

Rose pressed lightly against me, printing the tattoo to my skin, and I shuddered. I was glad her hands were warm. I reached for Angela's hand, shivering as I felt Rose's fingers trace the outline. I was not a fan of being touched and rarely initiated contact with others. It was two years before I could stand a hug from Angela. But I knew she would support me and I knew this would involve touch. It was part of the reason I decided to go through with it. My therapist told me that sometimes I would just have to face things head on, no matter the difficulty, otherwise nothing would ever change for me. Sometimes Charlotte could be a real pain in the ass, especially when she's right. But, I guess that's what I pay her for.

The sound of the gun firing up made me jump. I hadn't even realized Rose had finished setting up her station and gun already. Eyes wide, I gripped Angela's hand tighter and she returned it.

"You're doing great. Deep breaths." She encouraged.

"Ready?" Rose asked.

I tensed but nodded.

"Remember to breathe." She said.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

The first press of the gun against my skin was like a brand new step toward healing. It actually felt good. I breathed in deeply and let it out slowly again.

"Okay, Bella?" Rose asked.

I gave her a thumbs up and she continued. My grip eased on Angela and I started to lull a little. The pain was minimal, almost like a hum. The sound of the gun was almost soothing.

"So, Rose, who's the hot hunk of man that just came in?"

I chuckled lightly, hearing Rose do the same.

"That was Jacob Black. He's a long time friend and sometime accountant. He just got back from New York after landing a new client."

"I heard that part."

"You did?"

"Bella and I were shamelessly listening." Angela admitted, sheepishly.

I shook my head, not inclined to negate her because we were.

Angela and Rose talked some more about Jacob, how old he was, where he was from, how long had he been an accountant. I zoned out a little, not in the least bit bothered by the pain of the gun; in fact, I was in the calmest headspace I'd ever been in. I was relaxed. Some time later, I clued into their conversation.

"And, well, that's Jake. The big oaf is Emmett, who you met earlier. He's my fiancé-"

"Oh, right! Congratulations." Angela exclaimed.

"Thank you. He's my big teddy bear. Don't tell him I said that though."

"Cross my fingers." I could sense Angela grinning at Rose.

"And the other guy is my soon-to-be brother-in-law, Jasper, Emmett's older brother."

This got my attention. I turned my head a little, catching Angela looking at me. She grinned at me and I knew what was coming.

"Jasper, huh? Bella was asking about him earlier, weren't you?"

I shook my head.

_Not now, Angela. _

"I saw the way he stared at you. You stared right back. I know you. That never happens."

I shrugged, not ready to admit anything. Rose stopped the gun.

"Jasper owns the shop and plenty more, hence the name of the shop. He's the nicest guy you'll ever meet." Rose sounded proud when she first spoke but by the end she sounded sad and guarded. I wondered what happened to him for her to sound so…anguished.

I jerked my head sharply around until I could see Rose's face. She had paused with her hand mid air over my shoulder. I stared at her, she stared back at me, and in that moment, we both realized something really bad had happened.

To me and to Jasper.

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**How we doin'? Find me on fb reader4lyfe**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi folks! I've had a rough day so sorry this is coming to you so late. Next week's update may or may not happen. I'm dealing with some stuff right now that put me behind so bear with me. Also *TRIGGER WARNING* This chappie contains sensitive content such as abuse. Skip the italics section if it bothers you. Please remember this story contains triggers and you will always be warned. There will be a HEA so hang in there. Any mistakes are mine.**

**I don't own these characters. No copywrite infringement intended.**

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**Chapter 6 **

**Bella**

I shifted my shoulders, feeling my skin stretch and pull, the ache soothing my racing thoughts. The tattoo ached a little a more on the edges but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. Rose told me to keep the plastic on until tonight then gently wash it with warm water and unscented soap. I'd need to call Angela and ask if she could help wash and rub some Vaseline on it for me. She had dropped me off at home a few hours ago and went to run some errands. Buster was insanely happy to see me because the minute I walked in the door he jumped on me and had refused to leave my side since. He knew I was stressed more than usual today. I happily gave him his treat, a sandwich from McDonald's because we rarely eat fast food and he deserved so much more, and enjoyed his hovering company.

I turned on the TV, switching to some random channel but not really watching it. I couldn't exactly wrap my head around what finally getting the tattoo meant. I finally had tangible evidence that I was my own person, that I could do something as big as marking my own body because _I _wanted to, not because someone else enjoyed my skin changing colors, forcing me to hide a limp every other day.

I could do this all on my own.

Is that what Angela had been trying to tell me as these years?

Yes, I went to college, worked my ass off, started a business, bought a home and even went to therapy, all on my own. But those choices weren't because I wanted to exert a power I knew I didn't have over myself but because I knew that if I ever wanted to survive I had to make a way for myself. I had no choice. There was no one else to do it for me. Angela always told me I should be proud of how far I've come, that I should be happy; my therapist said so, too. But I always felt like I wasn't done yet, that something was still missing. I just had no clue what that something was.

When my nightmares started again, I waited for a relapse. It'd happened before so I was expecting something bad. But other than a lack of sleep and some lingering exhaustion, I was doing okay. Which didn't make sense. Things were never that easy for me. When was the other shoe going to drop?

I sighed heavily.

I could feel a headache coming on. Thinking myself into circles was always painful.

Grabbing my phone from the table, I sent Angela a text for her to come over whenever she had a chance. I turned the TV down a bit, wrapped the throw from the back of the couch around myself, and huddled into the couch with Buster curled into my side.

Darkness soon overtook me.

**~LoL~**

_Shit. I had hoped to beat them home today but he must've left work early and picked her up. I tried not to alert them to my presence but the second I closed the front door she was on me._

"_You just don't know when to quit, do you? You lazy little bitch. I see how you walk around here with your tight pants and small shirts. You can't tempt him away from me. He doesn't want you. No one wants you. You're pathetic! Ugly!" She yelled in my face. Her face was twisted in anger and fury, her red hair like a flame of evil around her head. Sometimes she scared me more than him._

_I made to run to the closet they called my room but she grabbed my long braid, snapping my head back. The pain in my scalp made me see stars and I screamed. She kept ahold of my braid and grasped my arm, pulling me into the living room and shoving me to the floor. She tore my book bag from shoulders, tossing it somewhere across the room. After she landed the first blow to my face, I huddled in the corner of the living room between the couch and the wall, raising my arms to protect my head from her attack. A swift kick to my unprotected side knocked the wind out of me and I dropped my arms, pitching forward onto the floor. A punch to the face made my head swim and my jaw ache. More hits came to my sides and back as I curled into fetal position, breathing hard, tears running down my face._

"_Baby, baby, baby, c'mon. She could never take me from you. You know that." He cooed at her. He wasn't in the room when she dragged me in so he must've come from the kitchen._

"_I do know that but this little bitch doesn't. I'll have to teach her a lesson."_

_The beating stopped long enough for me to wheeze in a few breaths and relax my muscles a bit. Just a bit.I kept my eyes closed because the moment I looked at them, the beating would start all over again._

_She grabbed my hair, pulling me from behind the couch and to the middle of the room. I dropped to my knees, sobbing. My sight was blurry and my head pounded. I think my lip was split. My ribs and back ached. This would be one of the bad ones. Even though it hurt I tried to reason with her, although I knew it was pointless._

"_I—I don't k-know what y-you're t-t-talking about." I gasped. My ribs were screaming with every breath I tried to take._

"_You're a liar. You're always fucking lying. That's what you do best, isn't it?"_

_She grabbed my hair again, yanking my head back so sharply I screamed and felt a twinge in my neck._

"_Scream all you want, Bella. There's no one to hear you. No one to save you." He laughed._

_She kicked my head and my ears started to ring._

"_P-p-please, stop."_

"_Not until you learn that nothing belongs to you. You own nothing. You are nothing. You deserve nothing."_

_My vision blurred and I blinked several times to clear it. I couldn't stop crying even though every inch of my body hurt to do so. I needed to get out of here. I had to find a safe place; somewhere no one could find me, where no one could hurt me._

_Then everything went black._

_Suddenly, I was in the room all alone. The blinds were closed and the furniture was old and tattered. I stood up, feeling my body tremble. I turned in a circle, wondering how my body could hurt so much and yet still manage to hold me up. Then, I heard laughing coming from a back room. I followed the sound, slowly, limping my way past a set of stairs and old, peeling paint. The laughing got louder the closer I got to the back room. _

_When I stepped into the doorway, my heart dropped into my stomach._

_I screamed._

**~LoL~**

"Bella, wake up! Bella! Please!"

Angela's voice registered loudly in my head, along with barking. Buster was going haywire.

Angela was shaking me, her hands tightly gripping my shoulders. I cracked open my eyes to see her brown ones looking back at me, wide and panicked. Over her shoulder, I could see Buster pacing and barking around the living room.

"Ang—" I winced, my throat raw and painful. The second he heard my voice, Buster came barreling toward me, leaping onto the couch and plopping half his body on me. He licked at my face and hands when I brought them to his head, scratching at his ears.

"Don't talk. I'll make you some tea while you calm Buster down. He's been going out of his mind." Angela rushed to quiet me before heading to the kitchen. Her long, brown hair looked a bit rumpled so I hazarded a guess she was running her hands through it constantly while trying to wake me up.

I nodded, even though she was already gone, making my head pound. I wished I could tell her to bring some aspirin, too.

I scratched at Buster's head and rubbed his back and sides, trying to soothe his whimpering. He barked once, letting me know he could sense my mood and slowed his breathing. I focused on him, matching my breathing to his.

Angela came back a few minutes later with a mug, a bottle of water, and some aspirin in her hands. I sighed and gratefully took the water and aspirin, drinking it all down quickly, after signing _Thank you_. Angela handed me the steaming mug next and I sipped slowly, groaning softly as the honey lemon tea soothed my throat. Buster whimpered quietly and Angela reached from her perch on the living room table to rub at his back. I scratched at ears again and he settled after a moment.

Angela gave me a few moments to collect myself before she started asking questions.

"What the hell happened, Bella? When I pulled up Buster came barreling out the house toward me, barking wildly. I thought someone was hurting you with all the screaming going on. He was beside himself!"

_Nightmare_, I signed tiredly. My whole body ached. I felt like I had been hit by a truck.

"Nightmare." She said flatly, her eyes half dubious, half concerned. "You were fine when I left you earlier. What happened? You know I wouldn't have left you otherwise."

I shook my head, taking another sip of the tea. I tried to speak again but my throat still hurt, which frustrated me because I actually wanted to talk but couldn't and dammit I must've been screaming long and loud for it to be this raw. I handed Angela the mug and started signing.

_I _was_ fine, great_ _even. I decided to take a nap while I waited for you to come back. I might've pushed too hard today and my subconscious knew it. This hit me harder than it has in a long time. I was back in that house with them. It was awful._

I paused, squeezing my eyes closed as if to block out the images that would stay with me forever. I took the mug back from her to keep hands steady as they started shaking.

Angela's sharp intake of breath had me worried.

"What else? You weren't just screaming, Bella. Something else happened."

My eyes widened a little.

_What did I say?_

She stared at me. Her brow furrowed as if she wasn't sure she should say what she about to but was going to do so anyways.

_What?! _I urged.

"You screamed his name. Jasper's."

And the pounding in my head got worse before I dropped the mug and passed out.

**~LoL~**

**Jasper**

Jake hung around until closing time. He said he hadn't expected to stay so long but it had been awhile since he'd been by the shop. He didn't have anywhere he needed to be so decided to stay awhile. We were closed for the night, finally. Saturdays were always grueling. More people tended to flock to the shop on the weekends than weekdays and when you add in the appointments, well, it made for a long day. Em, Rose, Jake, and I were hanging in the back office, catching up.

"So, Rose, you have to tell me about the woman with the fuck me glasses and long legs you had at your station when I came in." Jake said, his face showing his interest and anticipation in finding out more information.

Rose grinned, rolling her eyes at his blatant show of interest. If there was one thing Jake wasn't, it was subtle. He knew he looked good and sometimes even took advantage of that fact; he just wasn't an asshole about it.

I sat up a little in my chair wanting to hear more because it was the woman next her that interested me, although I wasn't sure why. The need to know more about her nagged at me and I had no clue why either. I frowned a little at that. I was rarely interested in sex, let alone a relationship. My problems ran too far and too deep that interacting with women who suddenly realized I didn't talk was more than draining; it was humiliating.

It was better to avoid women than to go through that.

But she was different somehow.

"That was Angela and her best friend Bella. And believe me, she saw you, too."

Jake fist pumped like a teenager and I laughed quietly at him.

"Tell me about her." He urged. Rose adjusted her position on Emmett knee to face Jake more.

"She and Bella own a software company, built it from the ground up. They've been best friends for years and this was their first time at a tattoo shop."

"Aw, Rosie, you popped their cherries." Emmett said perversely, wiggling his eyebrows.

She popped him on the back of the head. Jake and I laughed at him.

"Shut up, Em. And I only popped Bella's. Angela was just there for moral support." She looked at me as she said this next part. "Bella almost seemed like she was going to the executioner right up until the needle touched her skin. Then it was like…she found a piece of herself."

Rose started at me for a few beats and suddenly I understood what she was saying.

Something bad had happened to Bella. And she used the experience of getting of tattoo as a way to overcome something. I knew exactly what that was like. I'd done it a number of times now. Plenty of people come in for that exact purpose. Tattooing can be very therapeutic.

"Ah, the glory of new tattoos. They'll do that to you." Jake said, not picking up on the tension but he had the same look of completion on his face that most avid tattoo getters get.

Emmett blinked, noticing the tension but not commenting on it.

"She doesn't speak either." Rose said quietly.

"No?" This from Emmett who I knew greeted them earlier but hadn't mentioned anything out of the ordinary.

She shook her head.

"That explains why Angela spoke for her but not why she refused to look at me. I was wondered if there was food in my teeth or ink on my face or something." He frowned. I wondered that myself as I hadn't seen her relax until he left the room.

"I'm pretty sure she's hard of hearing. I didn't see an implant although her hair covered her ears well. She was able to hear both Angela and me speaking and respond. And Emmett, you're huge, babe. You probably intimidated her. She was already going through something." Rose went on to say.

He nodded as if he was just realizing that fact.

While Emmett was a fun loving, nice guy, sometimes he did forget that his size made people wary of him.

"I saw her, Angela, I mean, talking to Bella. Looked like Bella wouldn't have made it here without her." Jake commented, finally picking up on the tension of the conversation. He could be very observant when he wanted to be.

Before I had to go do a final mock up for a client, I came out of the office when I saw Jake come in. When I saw her, that one look on her face reflected back at me nearly everything I had been dealing with my whole life. Pain, sorrow, guilt, sadness, and much more. Fuck, why did it have to hurt so much? Why did she have to suffer so much? She looked so beat down in that moment that I had the inexplicable urge to comfort her. To go to her, wrap my arms around her and tell her it would be okay.

But what the fuck do I know? I was probably just as damaged, if not more so, than her. There's nothing good I could bring to her.

When I realized that, I looked quickly away from her haunted brown eyes and turned to settle business with Jake.

But even now, Bella's eyes stayed with me. Her curly, hip length brown hair, round face, and soft features, and curvy body drew me in and I wasn't sure that that was a good thing. The simple blue, short-sleeve, button down and jeans she wore didn't hide her curves and I loved the color against her skin, even more so when she blushed after we broke eye contact. The contrast had me intching to do some color work on her, or myself for that matter.

How can a woman as beautiful as that have so much pain behind her eyes? How can she decide the only way to get through something is to permanently scar her own skin?

_Did she say why she was getting the tattoo? _I signed to Rose, hoping she did but doubting it. Tattoos always became a part of a person, even the funny, shits and giggles ones. They were history but not all history was good.

"No, she didn't, but you know me. I don't pry, especially if I'm working on someone who is…sensitive." Rose said.

I did know that but I was hoping otherwise. But now it wouldn't matter because unless she was coming back for another tattoo she was never coming back. For some reason, my chest ached a bit at that thought. I rubbed it although the action didn't help one bit.

"Perhaps we can get them back here." Jake said after a moment of thought.

Rose frowned but, after a second, spoke up.

"Well, Bella has two more sessions with me before her tatt is done. You should see it, Jazz. She drew it herself. It was beautiful."

Rose moved to the other side of the room, to the drawing table and pulled out a sheet of paper from a folder. When she handed it to me, my eyes widened.

"I changed a few things around a bit but the rest is all her. She needed this; I could tell that much. Once the needle hit her skin, she was free as a bird. But I have no doubt, she's just as skittish as one too. Tread carefully, Jasper. Whatever you do." Rose warned gently.

Rose had a soft spot for women who had trouble in their lives. While she herself was from a middle class family and lived a relatively normal life, an only child of a two parent household, she found out her grandmother, Marie, was emotionally and physically abused by her grandfather, James. Rose's mother, Jane, an only child as well, never suspected a thing growing up but when the old man finally kicked the bucket due to untreated cancer, her Marie finally told Jane the reason she insisted on boarding schools and colleges far away throughout her life. To protect her, to save her. Their relationship was rocky for many years but on the mend. Unfortunately, Marie died about three years ago, just as they were making progress. So Rose started an organization, The Marie Hale Foundation in her honor to help battered women start over again. She was one of the reasons Mom was doing so well today.

Rose knew all the signs and could clearly see something in Bella. Despite knowing very little about her, Rose's knew enough and her warning was not one I would take lightly. That is, if I even got far enough to heed it.

**~LoL~**

I lay in bed wondering what it would be like to have what Emmett and Rose have. Even though we both had been put through hell, he bounced back a lot better and quicker than I did. I knew he had his problems just like I did but the difference was, he could talk and socialize and be whole for Rosalie, while I couldn't even be whole for myself. Maybe that asshole was right and I was worthless.

And even if I managed to talk to Bella like a guy who was just interested in a beautiful woman, what would she want with me? Most days I felt like I had it all together, other days I felt like I was still putting myself back together. No woman deserves a man who can't hold his own.

I sighed, rolling over. A picture of my mom sat on my nightstand. She was smiling, her blue eyes shining and her cheeks red. It took so long for her to get back to that. I didn't want to take that long. I didn't want this at all. That son of a bitch took everything and left me to pick up the shattered and broken pieces of my life.

Fuck it all.

I looked at the clock before muttering 'fuck it' again and picked up my phone.

She picked up on the fourth ring. At 3 a.m., I knew she'd be sleeping but she always answered her phone no matter the time.

"Jasper, honey?" She answered, gently clearing her throat.

"Hi, mom. Sorry to wake you." I said quietly. My throat burned a little. I hadn't spoken in awhile and I felt it.

"No, no, it's fine. What do you need?" I could hear rustling as she moved around in bed.

"Can I come over?"

Her near silent gasp made me cringe. I knew she worried about me and that she wished I talked to her more. I hadn't gone to see her in nearly three months and had only talked to her a couple times since. I hated hurting her but even after all this time, it was still hard for me to reconcile with the decisions she made in the past. Had she not, my life would be totally different and I still struggled with the what if. I didn't hate her, in fact, I truly loved my mother, but I wasn't sure I would ever trust her judgement when it came to certain things.

"Sure. I'll leave the door unlocked." She said quietly. "I'll see you in a bit."

"Okay."

I bought mom the loft and let her have way with everything in it as soon as I had the money. She deserved that much and more. She was a pretty good interior designer, too. Her place was filled with earth tones, browns and greens and black in some places. She really made this space her own and I was proud of her for that. The 24/7 security at the front desk, card-only access, and CCTV, was an added bonus as well as the resident access only parking garage. Only people on a designated visitors list could get in. I waved to the guard as I passed and headed to the elevator.

She was sitting in her living room, sipping tea and watching TV, dressed in a fuzzy pink robe and slippers when I arrived. It hadn't taken me long to get here so I knew she hadn't been waiting long. While she didn't particularly enjoy tv, she hated silence. I had been on her in the past to get a nice stereo system instead but she always shook her head at me. She wasn't a fan of music.

I took a seat next to her, sighing softly.

"When Emmett first met Rose, he was beside himself with worry. He told me how she was the most beautiful girl he'd ever met and that he'd give anything just to talk to her. Just once. I told him that if she was meant for him then she would take him, faults and all, without hesitation. And three months later they were dating, a year later they were inseparable." She spoke after a few minutes in silence.

_They called you? _I signed.

"Of course." She shrugged lightly.

We sat in silence while I processed that. Emmett met Rose when he stopped by the shop with supplies as we were setting up the new location. I was interviewing her and hadn't given it a thought she might be interested in him and vise versa. Rose was strikingly beautiful with long blonde hair, ice blue eyes, sharp features and with her tattoos that popped with uniqueness and color; I was sure she'd either be a total stuck up bitch or think she was God's gift to man. But she was neither and that was the most shocking thing of all. Emmett fell all over himself and actually bolted when saw her. I teased him about it later when she left but I had no idea he had the same worries and fears as I did. He was always so confident. It took him weeks to work up the nerve to ask her out after we opened the shop. She slapped his chest, laughed, and said "God, I thought you'd never ask!" And the rest is history.

But I had another question.

_How did he know? He never had a problem with women before. How did he know she was the one?_

"That, you'll have to ask him, but Rose…" Mom shook her head, smiling softly. "She knew that Emmett had had a difficult past. She knew, even though he hadn't said anything. But she wanted him just as much if not more so than he wanted her. She came and spoke to me about it a few months before Em proposed. That was a long night, indeed. I'm sure she and Emmett had their talks so she knew bits and pieces but she just wanted to be sure."

Mom placed her mug on the living table and turned to me. She took my face in her hands and sighed sadly.

"Sometimes, trusting the right person can be the best thing that ever happened to you, Jasper."

She laid a hand on mine, squeezing gently.

"I know things have been hard for you. _I know_. But just as you took control of our lives that night, as you took control of your business and career, you can take control of this. You can make the choice to be happy and loved and wanted. You've always had that choice. You just need to realize it."

And just like that, my mom could still reduce me to tears.

And I hugged her tightly.

Because even after everything that happened, I loved my mother and I wouldn't be here without her.

And it was about time I realized that.

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**How we doin'? I'll post a pic of Bella's tattoo on fb. Find me there reader4lyfe**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hi all. Here's an update for you. This one was a bit hard to write. *Trigger warning* This involves panic attacks and anxiety. Skip down to the line past the first full paragraph. Come find me on fb with any questions or concerns. Any mistakes are mine, no copywrite infringement intended. **

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**Chapter 7 **

**Bella**

"Welcome back, Bella, Angela. How are you, ladies?" Rose greeted us as we made our way to her station.

The shop was mildly busy, some people sitting in the waiting area. Two curtains were always pulled closed when we reached Rose's station.

I waited until she turned around to face me at the same time as Angela and I took our seats before signing to her.

_I'm doing okay. I told Angela she didn't need to come with me this time but she insisted._ I rolled my eyes but smiled softly.

"Oh? Are you sure everything is okay?" Rose raised an eyebrow as she proceeded to start gathering things together for this session.

I shifted uncomfortably. I could sense that Rose could tell something was going on but I still wasn't sure I wanted to even hint at anything.

"Yeah, she's just had a rough few nights. Bad sleep and all." What would I do without Angela. I was suddenly glad she insisted on coming. I sent her a grateful look.

"Ah, well, are you sure you want to do the session today? We can always reschedule. It's no big deal." Rose offered. I was shaking my head before she finished speaking, though, quickly signing my refusal.

_No, I'm really okay. If anything, this will help. I appreciate the offer, though._

Rose nodded and gestured for me to remove my shirt as she pulled the curtain around us.

"So, Rose, is that hot hunk of man here?" Angela asked rather bluntly. I elbowed her and she shrugged unapologetically.

Rose laughed and nodded before turning and sticking her head out the curtain.

'Hey Jake, come here!" She called.

"Be right there!" Came his booming reply.

"Oh, goody," Angela grinned. I laughed at her. If there was one thing Angela wasn't, it was shy, which is why she was the best business partner. She didn't mince words or beat around the bush and that made for some serious business acumen when we first started out. She was able to weed out the ones who sought to run us over and build relationships with the ones who wanted to the best. Sometimes I appreciated that about her, other times not to so much.

Rose finished setting up and just as she took up a comfortable position in her chair and had snapped on some gloves, Jake announced his presence.

"Hey, Rose, can I come in?" He was just outside the curtain. I hadn't realized he'd be that close since my focus was on watching Rose set up and getting mentally ready for the session.

I jerked suddenly, and quickly moved to grab my shirt so he wouldn't see the meat grinder that was my back. In the same moment, Angela and Rose seemed to realize what just happened and rushed to calm me down.

"Just a sec, Jake." Rose said.

They shushed me and whispered reassurances that he wouldn't come in. I was having a panic attack in the middle of a fucking tattoo parlor, my breathing coming rapidly, my vision a bit blurry. I suddenly really wished I had brought Buster with me. I needed him.

"Bella, focus on me. Match my breathing. You're fine. You're safe. Okay? Focus." Angela lifted my head with a finger under my chin so I could focus my gaze on hers. She was a blurry mass of colors and I realized I was crying. She grasped my right hand in hers and brought it to her chest and breathed slowly. I blinked rapidly and tried to focus on her calm and cool face, despite the tightness and worry I could see in her eyes. I spent years hiding behind baggy clothes and computer screens. Even in college, Angela never ever saw me with short sleeves or shorts or dresses or skirts on. These days I could wear those things and feel completely fine but I was just in a tank top which I _never_ wore outside of my home. No one had ever seen me in one since I left that retched place all those years ago and I didn't plan on letting anyone, especially a man, see me now either. Just the thought of Jake seeing me made me more than a little skittish and anxious.

"N-n-need Buster." I gasped out. I blinked hard again, trying to match her breathing.

Focusing on Angela and listening to Rose's calming words, I was able to soon calm down. My heart rate slowed, as did my breathing. I turned back around on my seat and rested my head on my arms, my back towards Rose.

"You're okay, Bella." Rose and Angela said simultaneously.

"I'll go get him. I'll be quick, I promise." Angela nodded at me.

I nodded at them both.

"Hey, Rose. Everything okay?" I jumped at the sound of Jake's voice.

Rose and Angela cursed simultaneously again and left the enclosed space.

"Whoa, hey, wha-?" I heard Jake stutter before Angela and Rose dragged him off somewhere.

Shit. I hated feeling so weak. I spent years building up myself, revitalizing my mental and emotional health. I knew I wasn't perfect. I never would be. But I also thought that I could handle situations like this. Apparently not, it seems. Angela would insist I go back to therapy again. With my nightmares happening more frequently, and my anxiety high, she wouldn't leave me much choice.

I took several deep and slow breaths, feeling myself calm almost completely. What a way to start this session.

"Hey Bella? I'm coming in." Rose said softly.

I turned my head to look at her as she poked her head inside the curtain.

I shifted so she could see my hands as I signed to her.

_I'm sorry. I didn't mean to freak you out._

She was shaking her head before I finished.

"No, I'm sorry. I knew the signs. I should've just had him wait or told Angela to meet him outside the curtain. I wasn't thinking." Her blue eyes with apologetic and sad. She frowned with consternation and moved to re-settle her station which she jostled when she rushed to help me. I noticed she had knocked over some of her inks wells which had spread black and white and gray ink across the table and I felt bad for making her waste it.

_How could you have known? Signs or no signs._ I sighed and dropped my hands.

"Still, that could've went better." She muttered.

_It could've, yes. _I paused, looking at her gratefully. _Thank you, Rose. You didn't have to do that._

She waved me away.

"Don't worry about it." She had cleaned up the ink and was sorting out a new line of cups and ink.

_How did you know what to do? You said you knew the signs?_

Rose hesitated a beat then sighed. She took her seat, snapped on some fresh gloves, and put the pieces of her tattoo gun together, before connecting it to the motor. She took a few seconds to test the speed of her gun and I turned back around and got comfortable. Rose took so long that I didn't think she would answer so I settled in for the session.

"My grandparents weren't as picture perfect as everyone made them seem. My mother had a difficult time with them growing up. I never suspected, neither did my mom for that matter, that things like that could happen right under your nose. But then I met Emmett and his family and realized that just because things were a shadow over my life, they were a reality for others."

I was dosing as she drew the gun over my skin. Yes, indeed, things could be a definite reality for others. That much was definitely true in my case. Rose also answered one question I had. Jasper, and Emmett, definitely went through something not so good.

Laughter just outside the curtain brought me out of my doze. I turned my head in time to see Angela's head appear around the curtain and her smiling face was a warm reassurance that things would be okay. For now, anyways.

"Hey, Bella. I brought a friend." I frowned, then looked down to see Buster nose his way into the enclosed space. He came right up to me and licked my hand. I turned to give him some love and felt myself relax even more with his calm presence.

"Well, he's a cutie isn't he?" Rose grinned.

He turned to 'woof' at her then turned back to me.

"Thanks for being so accommodating, Rose. She'll be all good now." Angela smiled.

"It's no problem." Rose nodded.

I looked between the two of them quizzically before Rose answered me.

"We talked while you were calming down. Angela explained who Buster was and everything." Seriously, what the hell would I do without her.

"Bella, I'm gonna go get a bite to eat with Jake. Text me when you're done, okay? I know you're in good hands." She and Rose shared a look.

_Okay_. I signed. Angela turned and left, some whispers following her.

I stood and leaned up and around the curtain after a second, to watch her leave with Jake.

"Are you okay, Bella?" Rose asked from behind me.

I nodded at Rose absently as I watched Angela and Jake leave the shop. He'd whispered something to her and she actually giggled. Was that a blush I saw on her face? My eyes widened and I shook my head. I'm sure she'll spill the beans about it all later.

"They'll be good for each other, I think." Rose said gently.

I brought my gaze back to her. I guess the worry on my face hadn't dissipated.

"Jake really is a great guy. While I barely know Angela and you barely know Jake, I'm sure we're both a little reserved when it comes to our best friends. But we both also know our friends very well. They wouldn't treat anyone any different than they would want to be treated. Am I right?"

While I knew Rose was trying to be reassuring, I couldn't help but feel a little trepidation. Angela was really the only true friend, hell, family, I had. It took years for me to realize what, in fact, a true friend was. I had 'friends'. 'Friends' that used and abused me, hurt me until I couldn't even believe or trust in myself.

I knew that the average person would never treat someone differently than how they'd want to be treated. I _knew_ that. But my life showed just how cruel and shitty people could be, especially to those closest to them, just because they could.

Glancing at Rose, I signed _I understand that, Rose. I do. It's just… _

I paused, trying to figure out how to say that I had assholes for friends and even worse for guardians.

But Rose seemed to understand what I meant, for she nodded and said,

"Not everyone deserves the title of friend."

I nodded, solemnly.

"Well, I can promise you, she's in good hands. And I'm sure she'll call if anything happens, good or bad." Rose grinned at me and I smiled back lightly.

I turned to her once they were out of my line of sight, moving back to the chair.

Buster laid down next to my chair and Rose got back to work.

~LoL~

"Do you think she's up for it?"

"I don't see why not. She's been out like a light most of the session. I think she'll be more than relaxed enough to talk a little shop and if not we can always table it for later."

"I don't want to upset her or anything. Earlier was a bit much."

A sigh. "I know. This whole experience is new to the both of us. I had no doubt it would be a struggle for her. I just hoped it wouldn't be this bad."

"What do you mean?"

"Well-"

I groaned and stretched. Did I really just fall asleep? Rubbing my eyes, I sat up from the chair.

"Hey, Bella. Welcome back to Earth." Angela laughed.

I blinked up at her, confused.

_Did I fall asleep?_

"Yeah, I finished about an hour ago but you were so calm I didn't want to wake you." Rose said.

_Oh, no. I'm sorry, Rose. I didn't mean to._

"Oh, it's not a problem. I don't have another client until this evening." Rose shrugged.

"How are you feeling?" Angela asked.

_I'm good._ I stretched, grimacing a little as the skin on my back was pulled taut. _How's it looking?_

"Great. I'm happy with the way it turned out. For the last session we'll just do some finishing touches and shading and whatnot." Rose smiled then reached into her pocket and retrieved her phone. After a few seconds of scrolling, she turned the phone towards me.

I gasped. _Oh, Rose that's awesome._ She'd taken a picture of her progress before she wrapped it up.

"_Thank you." _I whispered.

"Anytime, Bella."

"Well, you hungry?" Angela brought some bags from McDonald's from around her back and a chocolate shake.

I nodded, grinning. She knew me well. A few minutes of munching and Rose turned to her attention from her phone to me.

"So, Bella, I have a favor to ask." Rose started.

I looked up at her as I took a bite of my sandwich. Angela snuck a fry to Buster and I shook my head at her. He was so spoiled.

"Would you mind meeting with Emmett and Jasper? They want to revamp the security systems for all their locations. They're using more than one system at multiple locations and with a new shop opening in D.C. They want to marry all of it to make it easier to monitor each shop."

I paused in taking my next bite. Meet with them...alone? I glanced to Angela and she saw the panic building on my face.

"No, no, Bella. We spoke about it some while you were napping. I think it'll be a good long term project for us. Next to the Volturi account, we can seal the deal on bonuses this year. I'll be with you every step of the way, as usual."

Grateful for her unwavering support, I signed,

_If you think we can handle it, sure. We've never done two high profile projects simultaneously before. And we've still got the small shop owner's account as well._

Angela nodded. "Yeah, I think we can handle it. Might need to up the staff a little but I think we can do it."

I nodded to Rose and she smiled.

"Great! I'll let them know." She left her workstation, excitement clear on her face.

Angela's phone went off and she rushed to grab it, nearly dropping her fries in the process. My eyebrows hit my hairline, it was so comical.

She paused to read the text and smiled as she typed back a response.

"Hot date?" I eyed her.

She grinned as she glanced at me then back at her phone.

"Yes, actually. Jake wants to take me to dinner tonight. He also wanted to apologize for scaring you earlier."

I shook my head. "There's no need for him to do that, Angela. It was all me and my shitty problems."

She frowned and reached across the empty space between my chair and hers, placing a hand on my arm.

"Don't beat yourself up over it, Bella. Everyone has problems. You shouldn't let that reaction define you forever." I knew she was right but it would take more than her words to set my twisted brain and body straight.

"Knock, knock." A soft voice said. Jake poked his head around the curtain, a shy, contrite look on his face. Angela waved him in and his large frame seemed to fill up the entire space. My breaths started to come a little faster and Angela quickly moved to open the curtain wide.

Buster woofed, reminding me of his presence. I placed a hand on head and he whimpered, leaning into my touch.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I did it again, didn't I? Shit, babe, I don't mean to keep scaring your friend." Jake said to her. Angela smiled, shaking her head.

I sighed.

_Don't worry about it, Jake. It wasn't your fault._ I signed as Angela translated for me.

"Are you okay, though?" He asked, concerned.

_I'm good, thanks. So, I hear you're taking Angela out? _Angela smiled as she finished translating.

Jake moved to put an arm around her, smiling down at her.

"Yes, we had a good time this afternoon. Even bonded a little over Buster, here." He bent to pet Buster, who of course, soaked up the attention. "I have a german shepherd of my own named Seth. Great dog."

I nodded as Jake grinned and stood, pushing his black frames up his nose.

"Hey, Bella, Angela?" Rose appeared behind Jake with Emmett and Jasper in tow. Emmett and Jasper waved. "Got a few minutes?"

My breath caught at the sight of Jasper. How is it possible that he looked better than before? Half his hair was pulled back, held by an elastic band. His black t-shirt fit snuggly, paired with black jeans and Chucks. Jasper looked rather intimidating with all the black, yet, also a little scared and nervous. My gaze snapped to his left hand when he raised it to wave at me, then to his face when he cleared his throat. His t-shirt showed off his muscles and tattoos. I tried like hell to not stare at Jasper's arms, the swirling colors and words making me want to run my hands over them, to trace them, and understand what they meant to him. I never really noticed how a man's legs could fill out a nice pair of jeans. I shifted my eyes to his face and saw that his eyes were hesitant but open. He smiled at me then lifted his hands.

_Nice to meet you, Bella._

Shit, I'm in trouble.

* * *

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